


What defines you

by MiriamMT



Series: Gallavich OneShots (no smut) [30]
Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Established Ian Gallagher/Mickey Milkovich, Hurt/Comfort, Ian Gallagher is in the Army, M/M, Non-Bipolar Ian Gallagher, Soldier Ian Gallagher, wounded on battlefield
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:08:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21934978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MiriamMT/pseuds/MiriamMT
Summary: Ian fulfilled his dream and joined the army, leaving his boyfriend at home.  Whenever Ian is away, Mickey is on edge the whole time, waiting for that one call to tell him his love is dead. Then one day he gets the feared call about Ian - and it's on Mickey to get his soldier back on his feet.
Relationships: Ian Gallagher/Mickey Milkovich
Series: Gallavich OneShots (no smut) [30]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1525730
Comments: 8
Kudos: 149





	What defines you

**Author's Note:**

> This is one of my favourites I've ever written

Mickey lay in his bed, rolling around sleeplessly.  
He was cold and no matter how many blankets he put over his curled up body, he couldn't get warm. Because he wasn't cold due to the temperatures outside or because it was January, shortly after new year, it was because a certain someone wasn't here to warm him up.

Ian was at war, again. It was the third time that he was gone, and it didn't get easier on Mickey.  
This time it was especially bad for him, since they had such a stupid fight before Ian left.

_"I think we should get married", Ian said, sitting at the kitchen table while Mickey was cooking for them._  
_Mickey turned around with raised eyebrows._  
_"What?"_  
_"Get married, before I leave again."_  
_Mickey couldn't believe it, that man really was something. They were together since high school and Mickey always had a hard time coming to terms with the fact, that the army was the most important thing in Ian's life. Back then, he had been in ROTC and by now fulfilled his dream of going to the army, kickstarting his promising military career. Now Ian – finally, Mickey might add- asked him to marry him, ten days before he would leave for god knows how long and maybe not come back? Mickey knew from his choice of words, that the reason for the sudden proposal couldn't be his undying love or whatever bullshit Ian claimed to feel for him sometimes._  
_"Get married? You want to marry me ten days before you leave, so... what? Just to make me damn war widow?"_  
_Ian rolled his eyes, "Or because I love you"_  
_"Then you certainly would have found a better timing for this conversation, wouldn't you?"_  
_Ian sighed, "I just asked you to marry me, how can this end in a fight now?"_  
_"You're ten days away from flying into some desert again where you could die, Ian. So, what's your plan, we get married, you leave, and in the end, I start my honeymoon by watching some uniforms fold a fucking flag on your coffin?"_  
_"For fucks sake Mickey! I'm not going to die!", he exclaimed annoyed, voice getting louder than necessary._  
_"You don't know that!", Mickey stared him down, "And neither do I. That's my whole fucking point! You know what, I'm not in the mood for this conversation. Make your own dinner, I lost appetite."_  
_The Milkovich shook his head and just left through the front door to go to the Alibi, throwing the door shut loudly._

Mickey pulled the blankets closer around him. He hated fighting with Ian, especially so shortly before Ian had another mission. Of course, they kind of made up before Ian left, they always did. Even though Ian swore up and down nothing would ever happen to him and he wouldn't die, even he knew that he took that risk every time he left for another service. And neither could forgive themselves if they would part in a fight and then something would happen.

_It was a pretty long fight they had. Ian called Mickey "unreasonable" and "drama queen", what had Mickey throwing a fit and some dishes through their kitchen. Mickey had called him "reckless" and "selfish" what had Ian holding a speech on patriotism and the Army and the country what led to Mickey completely freaking out and smashing Ian's army cup – "Yeah, great! Break it, break it all Mickey! Break the whole fucking country that I'm trying to protect" – "Well, why can't you protect this damn shithole without risking to get your head blown away?"_  
_Now it was the night before Ian left, which meant they had to make up._  
_"I'm sorry", Ian made the start, he was usually the one who started apologising. Mickey lay with his back to him._  
_"Mickey, I said, I'm sorry."_  
_Mickey sighed and turned around to him, he looked ta him in the dark._  
_"I'm sorry too", he whispered, "I'm just worried."_  
_"I know.", he ran his hand through Mickeys black hair, "I know you are just worried about me and you have every right to be. But I promise you, I will come back. I always came back, didn't I?"_  
_"Well, it only takes one time of you not coming back. I just don't want to lose you, I can't think of anything worse than losing you."_  
_"You won't. I promise, I will be careful."_  
_Mickey sighed, "But you see, it's not in your hands. You have no control over what will happen over there, neither do I. That's what scares me so much. Every time you're gone... I've never been scared of anything as much as I'm scared of losing you just because of some stupid war."_  
_Ian looked at him softly and kissed his forehead, "I love you", he whispered, "I don't mean to put you through hell every time I leave."_  
_Mickey nodded, "I know. I know this is important to you, and shit, I knew what I signed up for from the start, but that doesn't make it easier.", he put his hand on Ian's cheek and kissed his lips gently, "I love you too. And if you come back, I'll marry you."_  
_Ian smiled up at him._  
_"Really?"_  
_"Yeah, I've been waiting for that question for some time now Gallagher, your timing is just awful."_  
_Ian chuckled and kissed him again, "You mean when, Mickey. When I come back, you're gonna marry me, not if."_  
_"Sure", Mickey smiled, "When you come back. And you're gonna look hot in the uniform you're gonna wear for our wedding. And you're not gonna make me a war-widow, right?"_  
_"Right. No widower-business. Come here", he kissed him again, more passionately._

Mickey tossed and turned in his bed under his four blankets.  
He couldn't sleep for hours and he lost time but was sure the sun would rise soon.  
He cuddled into Ian's pillow. The feeling of the ring on his hand was still unfamiliar.

_Mickey kissed Ian again. They stood with the other Army couples, naturally being the only gay one. Mickey hated this, standing here between those straight couples, being one of the "army wives"_  
_"Be careful", Mickey whispered and looked him deeply into his green eyes._  
_"Will be, I promise. I love you"_  
_Mickey nodded, "I love you too."_  
_The men said their goodbyes and left, Ian waved at Mickey again before rounding a corner._  
_Mickey stood between the army wives, some even had children. Mickey never really talked to them, but he could only guess, that they were as scared as he was, that they also lay awake at night, worrying their husbands wouldn't come back. Mickey had closed off a lot of options for himself when he started dating Ian. He made himself some promises. One of them was, to never have children. He liked children, he would like being a dad, hell, he would love having his own little family with Ian. But he couldn't bear the thought of not only being a widower but also having a child that has to fear becoming an orphan every time they watch their father leave. This was hard enough for him, he had no interest in bringing a child into the mix. He wouldn't only be worried for himself, becoming a widower every time Ian was gone, but he would also be worried for his child. He'd die of a heart attack by age thirty. So, he closed off that door, forbid himself to have that family that he wanted. He didn't hang up Ian's army photos on the walls at their home. He played the proud boyfriend, because he really was proud that Ian fulfilled his dreams – he just wished they were different dreams. Dreams that didn't ruin Mickey's dreams – not that Mickey would ever tell Ian about the family thing. Mickey didn't even allow himself to get too close to Ian's family, what was hard, because they were stubborn and felt the need to "check on him" whenever Ian was gone._  
_Mickey looked at the army wives and their children and he didn't want to be one of them._  
_He had always been worried when Ian talked about going to the army, and when he actually did it, Mickey had always been afraid something would happen to Ian. But it only got really bad when they were at a funeral for the first time._  
_He was a soldier that Ian knew, they served together when Ian went the first time. The guy was killed on the battlefield. They had been at that funeral, and Mickey had seen the army wife becoming a war widow when the uniforms handed her the folded US-flag, like they did it in the TV shows. Mickey had seen himself as her one day, if he would even get the same recognition as gay man, as army boyfriend, not army wife. And he had almost wished to be discriminated by those uniforms, just so he would never have to stand there in black clothes and get that flag handed to him, as if it would make it better, as if it would bring her husband back. As if it would give her the feeling that her husband "died for something" – because in Mickey's eyes, he didn't. In Mickey's eyes, Ian wouldn't "die for something" "die for his country" and his death wouldn't be a fucking "honour" – Ian would die for nothing, he would die for the madness of blind politicians that didn't have to fight the wars they started themselves. Ian would have to pay the price for their madness, Mickey would have to pay the price – the price was Ian's life._  
_Since then Mickey's body filled with fear and panic whenever Ian left, whenever Ian only talked about going to war._  
_Mickey left pretty quickly after the men left, the other army wives usually went together somewhere, always asking Mickey to come with them, but he never did._  
_He hated coming home to an empty house. He sighed and went to his bedroom, deciding to take a nap after the emotional morning._  
_But when he got into his bedroom, there was a surprise waiting for him._  
_A letter lay on their bed and a small black box on top of it._  
_Mickey couldn't help but grin when he took the box and opened it. It was an engagement ring, to this point, Mickey really thought the proposal was just one of Ian's moods. Just wanting to make him an army-wife too, so Mickey would get some benefits if Ian actually died. But if he bought a ring, he had been serious about this. Mickey smiled and took the ring, "God, Gallagher", he mumbled and took the letter._  
**_Dear Mickey, I know you are worried sick whenever I'm gone. I wrote this letter for you to give you some comfort. I will come back to you, baby. I will come back and we will get married and our life will be perfect. I love you so much, Mickey, I know this isn't easy for you and yet, you always support me in the end. You are perfect for me and I can't wait to come back to you. I love you more than anything and I can't wait to be married to you. Take that ring as promise that I will come back alive and well. I love you – Ian_ **  
_Mickey smiled and shook his head. "I love you too", he mumbled and got up. He got a pin out of a drawer that he used to pin the letter on the wall above his bed, "Silly Gallagher"_

Mickey hugged his pillow tighter.  
He still couldn't sleep, something was wrong, he could feel it in his gut.  
"He will come back", he whispered to himself, "Everything will be fine"  
It took him another hour to finally fall asleep.

Not long after he finally fell asleep, he was ripped out of his sleep again by his cell phone ringing. He had the habit to not silence that thing, in case something happened to Ian and someone needed to reach him.  
Mickey blindly grabbed his phone.  
"What?", he growled.  
"Is this Mr Milkovich?"  
"Yeah, it's the middle of the night, what do you want? Who is this?", he grumbled sleepily.  
"This is Sergeant Kemp, I'm calling about Corporal Gallagher."  
Mickey stopped breathing for a moment.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mickey sat next to a hospital bed for days now.  
He just sat there and stared at the redheaded person lying next to him. A thousand tubes went in and out of his body, his freckles face was wounded with small cuts and minor injuries. A white band hid the short red hair on his head.  
If it wasn't for the steady beeping of the heart monitor Mickey would have already freaked out.

Mickey held Ian's hand tightly and just stared at him, unable to even form a coherent thought. Ian's hand was cold and lifeless, like the metal of Mickey's engagement ring.  
The door to the hospital room opened, Mickey didn't even look up. He didn't register Ian's siblings coming in or Fiona saying his name three times. The brunette woman came around the bed and put her hand on his shoulder. Mickey was startled and looked up at her.

"Hey", she said softly, "How are you holding up?"  
Mickey just shrugged and blinked a few times before looking back at Ian.  
"Still no sign of waking up?", Lip asked and sat down at the other side of the bed. Fiona was in big sister mode and got a blanket she carefully draped over Mickey.  
"Thanks", the Milkovich mumbled, "No, no sign of waking up yet. Doctors said, could take a while."  
If he ever wakes up, Mickey thought silently.

Fiona put her hand back on Mickey's shoulder, "Hey, he will wake up, Mickey. He is strong, he'll make it."  
Mickey just nodded unconvinced.  
"Were you home at all since they brought Ian home?", Lip asked looking at the tired Milkovich and the deep circles under his eyes.  
"No. One of the nurse tried to throw me out the first night, I almost bit her.", he mumbled, "Said, only family members can stay overnight, stupid slut, what does she think I am?"  
"You bit her?"  
"I said almost."

"You should get home, get some sleep", Fiona said softly.  
"I'm not leaving him."  
"You're not helping him by sitting here and watching him, Mickey. He would want you to take care of yourself until he's better. He will need you in good form if he wakes up.", Lip said.  
Mickey closed his eyes and sighed at the word _if_.  
" _When_ he wakes up, Mickey, Lip meant, when he wakes up. He will.", Fiona immediately noticed Lip's mistake, since the word also sent chills up her spine.  
"I'm not leaving him", Mickey repeated.  
"We stay with him, you go home, take a shower, sleep and then you can come back and play guard dog again.", Fiona rubbed his arm.  
Mickey just shook his head, "He needs me with him right now. I know that."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Days turned into weeks and Ian was fighting for his life while being completely still and dead-like on the outside. He got better then worse again, then a bit better. The doctors couldn't say much, and they were also a bit scared to say anything, since Mickey looked at them as if he was ready to rip them limp from limp if they didn't fix his boyfriend.

It's been an up-and-down struggle for weeks and Mickey looked as pale and dead as Ian, who still lay unconscious in his hospital bed. Ian's siblings came by as often as they could, they brought soup and clothes for Mickey. It was the first time that Mickey was really thankful for Ian's giant family, and sad that he didn't have a better relationship with them.

Mickey had started to silently play Ian's favourite music the whole day in the hospital room, even though he hated the music to death. He started reading him his favourite books and read the letter Ian wrote him over and over again. He talked to him, talked about how much he missed him and that he wanted him to wake up, that they got a wedding to plan here after all. Sometimes he tried to make it over the day with jokes and sometimes he just sat there and stared at Ian and desperately tried not to start crying.

It was a quiet day. Mickey sat next to Ian and looked at him. He wouldn't even know what he was supposed to say when Ian would finally wake up. Would Ian remember what happened? What if there was more to that head injury than the doctors said so far? His mind was full of questions.  
His attention was caught when suddenly the heart monitor started beating less steady. Mickey stared at the thing and watched and heard how Ian's heart rate started to drop drastically, leading to the machine making loud awful noises and only seconds later nurses and a doctor rushed into the room.

"What is with him?", Mickey asked desperately, "What's wrong?"  
But the nurses just sent him away, pushed him out of their way.  
"Let us do our job, Mr Milkovich, wait outside!"  
Mickey was literally thrown out of the room, while he struggled and called Ian's name.  
"No, what is going on, what is wrong with him?", he desperately asked but the nurse only threw the door into his face.  
Mickey punched the wall with his fist and groaned in pain. He slowly slid down on the wall and sat on the ground, hiding his face in his knees.

Several minutes passed until the door opened again. Mickey was up on his feet in no time again.  
"Mr Milkovich?"  
"Yeah, what is going on? Is he okay?"  
"We stabilised Mr Gallagher."  
"Is he okay?"  
"He is stabilised. Mr Milkovich, you re aware, that we can't say anything else about his state so far. Mr Gallagher needs to wake up so we can fully grasp the consequences of his head trauma."  
"So, you know nothing, that's what you're telling me? You studied this shit, but you have no idea when he wakes up and if he's going to be okay? If he will even remember me?"  
"The part of the brain that is responsible for memories wasn't damaged, we have no reason to believe that he wouldn't remember you or his life. But of course, it's possible that he can't remember the explosion. But you are aware, that the head trauma will probably be his minor problem, are you? Men like Mr Gallagher, young soldiers often have a hard time adjusting to civilian life after serving in the army, and Mr Gallagher will never serve in the Army again, they will get him out medically." 

Mickey nodded, "I'm aware. It will be hard on him. But that doesn't matter as long as he wakes up and is okay. So, tell me, that he will wake up."  
"We believe that he will wake up soon."  
"Believe? Is this a hospital or a church for fuck's sake?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~++++++++~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another two weeks passed, and Mickey was probably close to a mental breakdown.  
But finally, he sat next to Ian, holding his hand quietly, and he felt his hand twitching in his.  
"Ian?", Mickey whispered and sat up straight, "Ian, can you hear me?"

Ian's face scrunched up in pain and confusion, but he slowly started opening his eyes.  
"Ian", Mickey whispered again, and he almost started crying from relief, "You're awake."  
"Mick? What... where... what happened?"  
Ian tried to prob himself up on his elbows.  
"Hey, take it easy, lie down. How are you feeling?"  
"Like shit", he growled with a hoarse voice and hissed, "Fuck, my leg hurts"  
Mickey bit his lip, "It's alright, love, it's okay", Mickey mumbled and quickly hit the button next to Ian's bed to call his nurse.

"You look like shit", Ian mumbled and raised his hand to touch Mickey's face.  
Mickey smiled, "Thanks, Gallagher."  
"When were you home last?... Since when am I here?"  
Mickey swallowed, "You were in a coma for a while"  
"A while? How long?"  
"Too long, don't talk too much, you need to rest."

A nurse and Ian's doctor soon came into the room.  
The doctor talked with Ian and they made some check-ups. Mickey kept looking worriedly from Ian to his legs.

"Just my leg hurts like shit", Ian said and looked at the nurse, "Could you dial up on this morphine stuff a bit?"  
"Mr Gallagher. What do you remember from the explosion?"  
"I don't even remember the explosion." Ian shrugged, "What about the other guys from my Squad? Are they okay?", Ian looked at Mickey.  
Mickey swallowed, "I'm sorry, Private... Mitchell, Chat Mitchell, didn't make it. He came here together with you."  
Ian sighed and closed his eyes. 

"Mr Gallagher, during the explosion, your right leg got severely injured."  
"Well it hurts like a motherfucker, so I guessed that much."  
"Ian", Mickey said and made the Gallagher look at him, the look on his face probably said everything already. Ian looked from him to the doctor and used his last strength to sit up and rip the blanket away from his legs. But his right leg ended beneath his knee. 

"No, no" Ian shook his head and looked at the doctor, "What-, no!"  
"I'm very sorry, Mr Gallagher, but we couldn't save your leg. The Military will ensure you get a prothesis and with enough training you will be able to walk normally again."  
Ian was losing his mind over the view of his half gone leg while the doctor just explained that it at least looked like his head trauma wasn't severe.  
"You will get discharged from the military as soon as you are released from our care, we informed your commanding officer about your condition." 

"Get out!", Ian eventually yelled at him and even startled Mickey with that, "Get the fuck out, leave me alone!"  
The doctor and the nurse complied rather quickly, but Mickey didn't move an inch, he was still holding Ian's hand.  
"You too, Mick."  
"I'm not leaving your side. I didn't for the last weeks, and I'm not gonna start now."

Ian looked at him, tears in his eyes.  
Mickey leaned over to kiss his forehead, "I'm so sorry, Ian. I'm so sorry"  
"They took my leg away", he whispered.  
"There was nothing they could do. But it's okay, Ian, it's gonna be okay, you heard him, you will be able to walk like you used to."  
Ian looked at him, "I can't go back to the army. How is that ever going to okay again?"  
Mickey had no answer for him, he just cupped his cheeks, "You need to concentrate on getting better now. Okay? You need to concentrate on getting better and out of this hospital. I call your sister and tell her you woke up.", he let go of him and too his phone from the little bedside table

"Mickey", Ian whispered in a begging tone, tears running down his cheeks.  
Mickey looked at him softly and put the phone away again, he sat on Ian's bed and leaned over him to hug him as best as he could. Ian wrapped his arms around him and held on to him tightly while crying into his shirt.  
"Shht", Mickey made helplessly and stroked over his hair, "It's okay, I'm here for you, we'll get through this Ian. I love you"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mickey didn't leave Ian's side for one second.  
Ian didn't talk much. Until he could properly walk with his prosthesis, he got a wheelchair. Mickey was glad that they lived in a house and not some tiny apartment, and that they only had stairs to the front porch. He quickly build a ramp together so he could push Ian up to the front door but up in the house Ian could move around in the chair on his own – not that he was willing to move a lot.

Usually, when Ian got home, he and Mickey would fuck their brains out to celebrate.  
Now Ian was released from the hospital a few weeks ago and Ian was so deep in his depression, he hadn't touched Mickey once.  
But sex was one of Mickey's least concerns right now. Ian was depressed, he just moped around and lay in bed or sat around somewhere, deep in thought. Frustration was radiating off of him and Mickey had no idea how to help him.

Ian had worked to get into the army since he was a Teenager, he became a Corporal rather quickly and was insanely proud of himself – of course Mickey had been proud of him too, but every success in the military was bittersweet for Mickey.  
Now all of his dreams and goals were just gone, together with half of his leg and apparently all of his ambition.

"Hey Ian, dinner's ready", Mickey yelled through the house.  
It took several minutes until Ian rolled towards the dining table.  
"You know, you could try walking", Mickey mumbled and sat a plate down in front of his boyfriend.  
"With that thing? No thanks"  
Mickey sighed and sat down on his chair, "So what, you put the prothesis on just to sit in that wheelchair all day long though?"  
Ian shrugged, "It's not a real leg, I'm not gonna treat it like one."

Mickey shook his head.  
"Come on, that's bullshit. Isn't there this one sprinter without legs? Quite successful in running and he lost both of them. I think you would master the art of walking from the bed to the table real quick.", Mickey tried to cheer him up, joking around with him a bit, but Ian obviously wasn't in the mood for it.

Ian looked at him angrily.  
"I'm glad that this is so funny to you, Mick"  
Mickey looked at him with raised eyebrows. He hated it when Ian was passive-aggressive, before the explosion Ian was never passive-aggressive with him, now it seemed to be his default state.  
"Okay", he said and put his eyes on his dinner again, "So we just keep sitting around in the dark without talking. Fine with me."

Ian threw his fork on the table loudly, Mickey looked at him again.  
"What? Too bitter? That's not the food, that's yourself you're tasting."  
"This all so fucking easy for you, is it?", Ian said angrily.  
"Easy for me? What on earth is supposed to be easy for me about this? You're barely talking to me anymore, very easy!"

"My whole life is destroyed, Mickey! The Army is the only thing that ever meant something to me and it's gone!"  
"The only thing that ever meant something to you?", Mickey repeated and got up enraged, "What about me? Don't I mean anything to you anymore?"  
"This is not about you!"  
"I know, it's never about me! It's always about the damn, fucking Army! Look what's got you!"

Ian shook his head.  
"Yeah, I bet you're fucking happy that I lost my leg! You're fucking relieved that I won't go back!"  
Mickey stared at him, "Happy?", he exclaimed, "You think, I'm happy that you got wounded? You think I'm happy that you're depressed?"  
"Yeah! I think you are! No active duty for me anymore, you got what you wanted at last!"

Mickey took his plate and threw it against the nearest wall, Ian didn't even flinch when it shattered and fell to the ground.  
"How can you even say that? How dare you to say something like that? I sat on your fucking hospital bed for months! Months, Ian! You almost died! How dare you to accuse me of being happy about this?"  
"Why don't you smash some more plates, show me how fucking angry you are, Mickey! Come on, break it all! All our fucking dishes, then we can eat straight from the pots in the future!"

Mickey took Ian's plate now and threw it against the wall as well.  
"There you have it! You can look how you clean that fucking mess up yourself, you stupid, thoughtless idiot!"  
Ian walked away from him to the kitchen, but Ian rolled after him.

"You were always against me going to the Army! Just admit, that you're glad this happened! Just fucking admit it!"  
Mickey turned around to him, "You know what? Yes, okay!", he yelled at him, "Yes, I'm glad that you lost your fucking leg! I'm glad that it got shredded on that fucking battlefield! And you know why? Not because I don't want you to go back, but because it could have been a hell of a lot worse! While you were in a coma and the doctors decided how much of your leg they could rescue, that other guy died! He was just two fucking inches closer to the explosion than you, two inches! And it ripped him apart! His wife came into your hospital room with their children and screamed at me that it should have been you instead! That it's impossible that her husband died while you only lost your fucking leg! I'm fucking happy that it was only the leg! I could jump of joy for it! I would still thank the fucking heavens if you couldn't walk at all and sit in that chair forever! Because everything is fucking better than you being dead! If you would have a fucking brain injury and I would have to spoon feed you for the rest of my life I would rather do that than to bury you! Is that so hard for you to understand?!"

Tears were running down Mickey's red face and his voice was hoarse from screaming at Ian, who shrunk together in his chair.

Mickey rubbed his palms over his face exhausted, "I go to bed", he mumbled but Ian just reached out and took his wrist. The Milkovich let Ian pull him to him.  
"Let me go, I'm tired" Mickey mumbled, "I want to go to bed"  
Ian ignored him and just pulled him down on his lap.  
"Ian, what are you doing?", he mumbled when he awkwardly sat on his legs, his own legs dangling off the chair.  
Ian had his arms wrapped around his waist and pulled him closer to his chest, he hugged him tightly and made Mickey rest his head against his chest.

"I love you", Ian whispered, "You believe me that? I love you more than anything."  
Mickey didn't believe him that, he knew, he would always be nothing more but number two after the Army. But he wasn't in the mood to fight anymore. This was the most on affection Mickey got from Ian since the ginger woke up from his coma.  
"I love you too", Mickey whispered.  
Ian took Mickey's hand in his and gently stroked his thumb over Mickey's knuckles, the tattoos and the engagement ring.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mickey hated himself for freaking out like he did. He shouldn't have said the things he said to Ian - the man just lost his leg, his job, his dreams. Mickey had to be strong for the both of them now, Ian had the right to be as depressed and rude and thoughtless for as long as he wanted.

But Mickey was hurt though. He would do anything for that man, he would steal the fucking moon from the sky for him if he asked him too. And he thought Mickey was happy Ian's life got ruined just because now he at least wouldn't go back to the battlefield anymore.

But what angered Mickey the most about Ian's words was, that it was almost true.  
When it was certain and Ian wouldn't go back to the army, the first thing Mickey thought was "Oh thank god"  
At that point, he had been sitting next to the man who was fighting for his life for only a few days and he thought, if they made this, the nightmare would at least be over for good.  
And now, he coudlnt believe what kind of monster he was, for being relived Ian wouldn't go back, that Ian's dreams were destroyed.

Mickey had hoped that after he freaked out, things would at least get better. At least Ian had insisted on showing affection, he had hugged him and he told him that he loved him.

Mickey had hoped, that meant he would be better now.  
But he was wrong.

Ian was still not willing to participate in his physio therapy. He wasn't willing to leave the house in the wheelchair either. Ian's siblings came by a few times to check how the two were holding up but Ian only sent them away, refusing to talk to them.

Ian really didn't do anything. He just sat there or lay there, staring at walls or muttering something under his breath like a nutjob talking to himself.

Mickey had never thought Ian could be like this. Ian was the most head-strong, stubborn, ambitious motherfucker Mickey knew.  
Sitting around doing nothing but pitying himself wasn't like him.

They just had dinner.  
"Stay put, I put them away" Ian mumbled when Mickey wanted to get up to bring the dishes back to the kitchen.  
"Why?"  
Ian just shrugged and put the plates in his lap carefully balancing them.

"Let me help you with that" Mickey said.  
"No. I don't need your help, Mick"  
Mickey rolled his eyes and watch how Ian carefully pushed himself forwards in his wheelchair to the kitchen.  
Mickey got up and went after him.  
"Still don't need your help sit back down"

Mickey knew the plates would fall down, Ian wasn't using the wheelchair enough to be able to use it for such tasks.  
Ian really almost made it to the sink before the plates slid down his sweats and fell to the ground, shattering on the floor.

"Fuck" Ian cursed.  
Mickey sighed and crouched down next to him to collect the shards.  
"No, I do that, go back to the table."  
"Ian, don't be stupid, you can barely reach the ground."  
"Let me" he insisted and pushed Mickey away a bit, "I don't need your help, Mickey!"

Mickey looked at him and scoffed before letting the shards in his hand fall back to be ground and stomping off to the table.  
It took Ian more than thirty minutes to collect all the shards and throw them away.

"You know, asking for help isn't a bad thing." Mickey said when he came back.  
"I don't always need your help. I can do this on my own, don't need you to save me"  
Mickey rolled his eyes, "Do this on your own? You're not doing anything besides lying in bed or sitting around somewhere. That's not how you get better, Ian. If you would at least participate in your walk training the way you're supposed to, but not even that happens."

"Why would I?"  
"I don't know, so you could get out of that thing maybe? So you could start doing stuff again? Instead of just being angry and frustrated the whole time."  
"Am I not even allowed to be frustrated anymore? My life-"  
"Is ruined, yeah I got it Ian." Mickey said exhausted, "The only thing that ever meant something to you, the most important thing in your life, all ruined.", he got up, " You also got other things in your life, in case you forgot that. And if you're keeping this up, you're gonna ruin that too."

Mickey got up from the table, put the last remains of their dinner away and went to the bedroom to go to sleep early.  
"Was that a threat? Are you now fucking threatening to leave me?"  
Mickey stopped on his way and looked back at him.  
"I would never leave you, you should know that actually. But that doesn't mean you can't ruin this. That's not a threat."

He turned around again and went to bed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Where are we going, it's not wednesday" Ian complained.  
Wednesday was usually the day Mickey would drive Ian up to the hospital and the only day Ian would leave the house.

It was the day after their minor fight, autumn. It was muddy outside and cold. Mickey hated this weather, he hated being outside in this weather, but he was fed up with Ian's attitude.

He had made Ian put on some pants and a stainless shirt and his jacket and pushed the wheelchair down the ramp and now pushed him through the streets.

"Stop that, I can drive on me own." Ian mumbled.  
"You could, but I'm not letting you right now."  
"Why? Mickey stop fucking around, you know that I don't like this. I don't need your help I'm able to push this thing forwards on my own."  
"Sure you are."

Mickey went to the park while Ian kept complaining and got more and more frustrated with the Milkovich.

Mickey eventually pushed him off the way through the park on the muddy grass.  
"What are you doing?" Ian asked annoyed.

Mickey pushed him into the mud, until the wheels of the chair wouldn't move anymore.  
"Mick, what the fuck?" Ian exclaimed.  
Mickey took some near by stones and additionally blocked the wheels.

"You said you don't need my help. Well, good luck. I'm sitting over there" Mickey pointed to a bench around three meters away.  
"Mickey! You can't just do that!"  
"Watch me! You don't need my help? Fine. You got a total of two options here, Ian: either, you come off your high horse and you learn to fucking ask for help if you need it or you get your shit together, get up and walk over to me. I've got the whole day to wait."

Mickey shrugged and went to sit on the bench.  
"Mick! That's not fair! You fucking bastard!" Ian leaned down and tried to grab the stones.  
"Ay, no cheating!"

Mickey had a certain goal with his behaviour and he couldn't give a shit how many passing by people thought he was a shitty person right now. He just sat on his bench and watched Ian struggle while he tried to get the wheelchair out of the mud. But of course it was no use.

Once, someone stopped and wanted to help Ian.  
"No, he doesn't need your help. He's got this on his own, he doesn't need any help, ever!" Mickey yelled over to them.

He could see Ian rolling his eyes at him and flipping him off.

It took Ian almost an hour to let out a whine-like noise "Mickey"  
"Yeah? Did I hear a 'can you please help me'?", Mickey looked at him with raised eyebrows, from the tone he used in his voice he knew, Ian wouldn't give in like this. He wouldn't want to give Mickey that kind of satisfaction - that was what Mickey was counting on.

"God, I hate you!"  
"Love you too. Come on, get a move on. Say it or do something."

Ian of course didn't understand what Mickey was doing, why he would torture him like this.

After another thirty minutes Ian finally took a deep breath and looked at his legs.  
He put his healthy leg on the ground and used his hands to put his other leg on the ground.

He felt so weird with the prosthesis, he hated walking with it, it felt wrong and unnatural. And sometimes he felt like he could still feel his leg and feel it hurting - What was supposed to be normal.

Ian took a few deep breaths. Mickey was right, he didn't really apply himself to the physio therapy, he usually used the time to scream at the therapists or sulk in silence instead of moving.

He looked at Mickey, who observed every single move. Three meters.  
Ian never thought three meters could seem this long.

He pushed himself up, he clung to the chair and held himself up on it, balancing on his healthy leg.  
"Okay" he said to himself once he somewhat stood. He slowly balanced his weight on both legs, hissing at the unnatural feeling.

He took a step out of the mud with his good leg, still awkwardly holding on to the chair for balance, then he pushed himself away from it and pulled his other leg after the good leg and he stood a step away from the chair.

He made a step, all alone. He looked at Mickey, who had his lips pressed together and watched him with wide eyes, his hands clutched the end of the bench.

Ian made another step towards him, slowly, this time using his right leg first, walking slowly, wavering. He made another step and another.

Mickey swallowed hard, watching him.  
Suddenly, he lost his balance and fell.  
Mickey almost jumped up from the bench to run to him and help him, but he restrained himself in the last moment and stayed on the bench, he leaned towards Ian, watching how Ian cursed and sat up.

"Come on Gallagher" Mickey whispered. /> Ian looked up at him, how Mickey sat there on the edge of the bench ready to run to him if needed.  
Ian nodded to himself and pushed himself up from the ground. He struggled to find his balance again, but once he stood, he took a deep breath again and looked at Mickey.

Getting to Mickey was his goal. Just another meter and a half.  
Just a few steps to get to him.  
He made a step and another.

Mickey sat there and watched Ian getting closer, he could cry of joy, if he would cry in public. Finally, Ian made the last step towards him and almost fell again, on him. But Mickey caught him quickly and hugged him.

"I got you" he whispered, "I'm so proud of you, you made it." He helped Ian sitting down next to him.

Ian panted slightly and looked from Mickey to the wheelchair.  
"Those were the longest three meters in my life."  
Mickey nodded, "But you made it."

Ian chuckled and looked at him, "You never wanted me to ask for help."  
"Yeah I did. I want you to ask for help if you need it, Ian. Ask me for help. But I knew you would be too stubborn to do it, just like you were too stubborn to walk. But I knew you would rather walk than ask me to help you. What means, you're nuts. But at least you made those steps. I knew you didn't need my help with this, you needed to get your ass kicked."

Ian smiled at him.  
"Did you have to do it in public though?"  
"Yes. Eventually this would have been embarrassing for you. I'm sure if I pulled something like this at home, we could sit there for days just staring at each other."

"Okay, are we finished with the lesson, can we go home now?"  
"No. I'm not finished yet, Ian. We have to talk."

Ian sighed, "I don't want to fight again, Mick."  
"Neither do I. That's why you will just listen."  
Ian crossed his arms in front of his chest and looked at him, waiting.  
Mickey took a deep breath.

"When I fell in love with you in high school, I knew from the beginning that you are the one that I would always want to be with. Even back then, it scared me when you talked about going to the army and all that shit. I thought, man how are we supposed to have a future if you're away for months on end and probably die in a desert somewhere? I had hoped for the first year or so of dating you, that it was just a phase. That you would grow out of it and find something better to do, something less... dangerous... less terrifying. I eventually had to accept that this was your passion. You loved the military and the army and I loved you. So I did my best, I tried to support you as best as I could when I wasn't busy freaking out and thinking of different ways you could die. I hated every aspect of you going to the Army. Every single one. But it was your passion, your dream, so I wouldn't get between you and your dream. I love you so much, I kept up with all the fear and heartache this shit caused me, with every fight we had about it. And I know we fought a lot about it, but believe me, I already swallowed down more than half of the things that I had to say. The hardest thing for me to accept was... that I will always be number 2. The Army was number 1 priority. I knew, I would never come first, I was never number one in your plans and thoughts. Not even when you were home from a mission. I accepted that, but it hurt every single time."

"If you were so unhappy, why didn't you just break up?" Ian mumbled.  
"Because I love you so much that I was willing to keep up with it" Mickey shrugged, "I would rather come second all your life than to not be in your life at all, Ian. I can't picture a life without you, I don't want a life without you. If that meant bearing all the army shit, then so be it."

Ian looked at him.  
"The army isn't more important to me than you are, Mick"  
"Yes, yes it always was more important than me, you don't need to lie about that, it's okay. But that's not my point with this."

Ian sighed and leaned back on the bench looking at him. He loved Mickey, he never wanted to give him the feeling of not being important.

"That you would think, I'm happy that dream got ripped away from you, hurt. It hurt a fuck lot, because for years, I stepped down with my wishes and my dreams, closed doors for me, made decisions for my life I wouldn't have done if you would have another job. I never wanted to stand between you and your dreams even though I hated your dreams. And maybe I'm relieved that I will never again have to lie in bed alone and wonder if you get killed right in that moment. That doesn't mean, I ever wanted this to happen."

"I know that you didn't want it. I was stupid for saying that, I was frustrated and..."  
"You don't need to defend yourself Ian. I know this shit is hard for you, you have every right of acting out. But you gotta make a cut man. This shit happened and no matter for how long you cry in the dark, it won't change."  
Ian sighed and bit his bottom lip.

"My point is, Ian, and I want you to listen to me very carefully, the Army doesn't define you. That injury doesn't define you. You are your own person aside from the army."  
"What if I'm not?"  
"You are. I know that, because I sure as fuck didn't fall in love with just some random army dude I could pick up by presenting my ass in front of a recuting station. I fell in love with Ian Gallagher. The most stubborn kid in the south side. You were the most ambitious person I've ever met, you had your goals and you wouldn't stop before you made what you wanted to do. No matter if you wanted to beat your own record in sprinting, for whatever reason, or if you wanted to win a bet against your brother. Do you know what your teenager self would say to you if he was here now?"

Ian scoffed, "What? Man up? Grow up?"  
"Get your shit together. He would tell you, that okay, that dream is gone, you were sad about it, you were angry, now it's time to get a new dream. New goals. New things to achieve. That's what he would tell you. You got the whole world in front of you, Ian. You finished high school with a very good degree and you got a medal from the military at home. It's time you find a new passion, a job even. You have all that energy in you, usually you're bouncing up the walls at home when you weren't running eight miles in the morning. I want you to take that energy that I know you still have and stop putting it into your frustration. You gotta put it into a new project. Whatever that might be. And I want you to start working out again. For one, because it's hot, and two, because you love working out. You'll be like one of those sprinters without legs and do all your army work out, it will make you feel better. You gotta start moving again and not only sit at home. Also, you will look like a cyborg and that's kinda cool."

Ian chuckled lightly.  
"If someone would have told teenage Ian he couldn't join the military, what do you think what he would have done? He would have acted out, sure. But he would have looked for something new, something he loved. And he would have done the things that he couldn't do before because he wanted to go to the military."

"What couldn't I do because of the military?"  
"Grow your hair out for example. I hate that buzz cut, makes your head look weird."  
Ian raised his eyebrows at him.  
"You really hated every aspect of me going to the Army, huh? Even the hair."  
"Especially the hair." Mickey corrected.

"Anthing else teenage me has to tell me?"  
"Teenage you was horny as fuck, so he would probably tell you to take your boyfriend and fuck him all over the house."  
Ian smiled and looked at the ground.

"So, will you listen to me? Will you apply yourself to that fucking training and learn to run a marathon with that leg? Promise me."  
Ian looked at him.  
"Okay, I promise, I will get better. I will do my work outs and I find that new passion you talked about." He ran a hand over Mickeys cheek, "But I will need your help."

Mickey nodded, "I'll help you with everything. I won't leave your side, ever. You know that right?"

Ian sighed.  
"Yeah I know. Even though I'm a cripple now."  
"You're not a cripple. You're a cyborg."  
Ian chuckled.  
"You're a pirat, maybe you could get a golden earring or something, sure that would look kinda hot."  
Ian laughed and Mickey grinned because it was the first time in months that Ian laughed.

"I love you so much, Mickey." He said and looked at him softly, " You are my number one, you always were. Even though I didn't always show it, you were always more important than the Army. Hell, I thought about quitting a thousand times, every time I saw how sad it made you. But one of the reasons that I love you so much, was that you never gave me an ultimatum. You never said 'military or me'."

Mickey nodded.  
"But... if I would have... You know, at some point said, military or me... not now, but a few years down the line."  
Ian shrugged, "I would have chosen you. Maybe I can find another job or another passion, but I'll never be able to find another Mickey."

Mickey shook his head and looked up at the sky.  
"Hey, you said... You said you stepped down with your wishes and dreams for me.... closed doors and made decisions you never would have made otherwise. What does that mean? What dreams did I stop you from fulfilling?", he asked slowly, he never knew about this. He never wanted Mickey to stand down for his Sake.

Mickey scoffed and raised his hand with the engagement ring.  
"For one, I've been waiting for this for three years and you asked me ten days before you left to go to war again. Now we're engaged for around ten months and the word wedding didn't even cross your lips once."

Ian smiled and took his hand, he kissed the ring gently.  
"I want to finally marry you. And I want you to stand there on both legs when I swear to love you until death do us part or some shit. And I want you to wear your sexy uniform."

Ian chuckled, " you didn't hate everything about the army. You didn't hate the uniforms."  
Mickey rolled his eyes, "Okay, the uniforms are hot. I give you that. And you can wear them as often as you want for role playing and pound my ass while wearing them."  
Ian laughed again and kissed Mickeys cheek.

"I want children" Mickey said eventually, without looking at Ian.  
The Ginger looked at him with raised eyebrows.  
"Children? Plural?'  
"A whole bunch." Mickey shrugged, "Not half a dozen like your family. But more than two."

"Wow" Ian mumbled, "You never said anything that went vaguely in that direction."  
Mickey shrugged again, "I wouldn't have children with a man that isn't home for months on end. I wouldn't be one of those army wives with their kids. There is hardly anything I want more than raising children with you and having our own family. But I swore to myself, not gonna happen as long as you're in the military."

Ian looked at him surprised, mouth opened in what could only be shock, "And if I wouldn't have been injured and Never would have been discharged... would you just have kept quiet about it? Forever?"  
"That was the plan" Mickey shrugged.  
"What if I would have asked you to have children with me while I was still in the army?"  
"I would have said no. If you would have started the topic, I would have told you, that I only raise children with you, if you get out of the army."

"But... But you sound like that's really your biggest wish, you would have just ignored that for my benefit?"  
Mickey shrugged.  
Ian decided to just hug Mickey tightly.  
"I never wanted you to step down with your wishes, baby. I never wanted you to give anything up for me."  
"I know. It was my decision, Ian."

Ian pulled back and took his hand, "I'll marry you and we will have the best and biggest wedding you can think of. And we will adopt a whole bunch of cute babies and we will have our own family and everything will be the way you want it.", he promised him, "I promise you that."

Mickey smiled softly "only if that's what you want too, Ian."  
Ian nodded, "I want to have a family with you. And I want to love you and our children the way you deserve it. And I'll shower you with affection to make up for all the years I didn't do it properly."

Mickey smiled at him and Ian leaned in to kiss him passionately.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Four years later.

Ian had been working his ass off like usually for his work with the lgbt youth center. He had been in charge of project after project, making sure kids had a place to stay and meet up, a safe space. Kids that got kicked out of their houses could find shelter here Until they figured something out and of course Ian and his colleagues would help them with it.

Ian had put his heart into his community work. Not only the lgbt youth, he did stuff for veterans and applied himself to an insane amount in his kids kindergarten and school stuff.

Right now, the lgbt youth center had their summer benefit event.  
"Hey Ian" one of his former army colleagues was here as well with his wife and kids to support Ian's work like usual.  
"Neil, hey" Ian greeted him and his wife grinning.

"Where is your better half?"  
"He should be here in a minute with the kids, he wanted to wait until Toby wakes up from his nap before coming."

Not even a second later a child suddenly almost ran him over and hugged.  
"Daddy!" The girl exclaimed.  
"Hey Lex" he beamed and picked his daughter up.  
"Ha I was first!" She yelled into the direction she came from. Ian let the four year old down when their five year old reached them, Jamie.

"I was faster than you, I can choose the movie tonight!"  
"Tonight?" Ian asked, "I hope you're gonna be so tired you fall to bed unconscious after this party. Where's your pops?"  
"He was right behind us but then Lex needed to start running!", Jamie complained and stuck his tongue out to his sister, who of course mimicked the gesture immediately.

Mickey came into sight, smiling down at their daughter, Katy, who walked slowly on his hand. She had just started walking and was therefore slow, but it looked adorable. On Mickeys arm was Toby, newest member of their family. The five month old baby looked around excitedly at all the many people around him.

"Hey, baby" Ian smiled widely when Mickey reached them and he pecked his lips.  
"You mean me or him?" He grinned and Toby immediately leaned over to Ian to be held by him while Katy wanted his attention at the same time.

"Four children, man, in such short time, how are you even alive?" Neil asked.  
Ian shrugged and smiled at the baby in his arms.  
"I'm not sure I am, our blood is pretty much just pure caffeine by now." He chuckled.

Lex and Jamie soon went off playing with Neil's kids, of course promising to not leave the event and not go too far.  
Eventually Ian and Mickey had a few calm minutes to themselves, they sat in two plastic chairs, Katy on Ian's lap, Toby in Mickeys arms.

"You know what Mick, our life is pretty fucking prefect after all."  
Mickey smiled at his husband, "Glad you think so. It's a bit late to give the children back."  
Ian grinned, "I just had a conversation with Neil's wife. How difficult it is sometimes. She is alone with the kids a lot and when Neil is home he tries to be a good dad, but at the same time has to adjust to civilian life all over again and that can be pretty hard. I'm not saying that the explosion was something good. But... this life that we have, right here right now, I wouldn't trade it for anything."

Mickey smiled softly at him and took his hand in his.  
"I love you", he smiled.  
"I love you too."


End file.
